one last conneaut post

This is my first full week of being "back to work."

While the start up to the school year is generally pretty gradual, it is still a bit of a shock ...  So, I find that my mind is constantly wandering back to the lake.

Much like Pearl did every day that we were there ...

Bathing suit: Osh Kosh B'gosh (thrifted for $1.50)

She and the small "beach" were inseparable.

I wish (my) summer didn't have to end so soon!

final-ly getting there

After a ridiculously busy month of May, the end of the school year is in sight ...

This week is "Finals Week" at the virtual school!

Although it means exams for my nearly two-hundred students, it means lots of email, phone calls, and troubleshooting of various technical difficulties for me.

Oh, and let's not forget the grading of those two hundred plus tests!

And, while it's been a stressful week so far (and a flurry of nonstop activity), the light is just starting to appear at the end of the tunnel.

After Friday, (when all that test grading is complete) grades will be due and all of my students will be done, so my agenda will become a lot less jam-packed through the end of June.  Yes, I'll still be "working" until July 1st, and there will be multiple meetings to attend, files to go through, documents to back-up, and plenty of other school-related duties ...  But my time will begin to become my own again.

(At least a little bit of it.)

This means that, instead of being glued to my computer screen, I'll have more opportunities to take my kids to the park, the zoo, or out to a store ...  In the middle of the afternoon!

Or, if we choose to hang out at home, we can just bum around together and have lunch picnics on the porch, read stories, or play games.

With this increased amount of work geared around my students (and struggling to fit it all in during the work day), comes an increased amount of guilt that I'm not doing my own children any favors.

Malcolm is engrossed in the TV for far too long.

Pearl walks around aimlessly, gathering toys and signing "more" as she brings them to me ...  Her way of asking to play.

It will be so nice when I can finally shove my computer in the background (or just shut it down completely) and actively accommodate my kids instead of my students.

Being a classroom teacher (virtually or otherwise) is hard.

Being a mom is hard.

Being both at the very same time is borderline impossible.

So, it is with a huge sigh of relief that I look forward to the end of this week ...  When finals are over and the school year is done.

I'm probably more excited than my students!

almost there

I'm not usually one to get overwhelmed by the various stresses that creep into my everyday life ... 

But, to put it lightly, this week has left me feeling downright exhausted and ready to collapse into bed each night.

It has been quite a challenge.

(And I haven't even had to leave the house!)

It is the last week of school before semester exams, so I'm busy working with students to help them end the semester on a high note (and go into that last exam prepared and ready to go) ...  And, on the administrative end, I'm grading lots of late work, attending tons of department and planning meetings, and just otherwise preparing for a new semester of science material.

Pearl has been much crankier than usual because she is (seems to be?) teething.

Malcolm is embarking on his first full week with no pull-ups and, while he is doing extremely well, there are the inevitable accidents to be had (and clean) ...  On top of that, he has also been super energetic (probably from being cooped up all day), wanting to run throughout the house and play, often plowing over his (crabby) sister in the process (and making her even crabbier).

And (last, but certainly not least) ...  We talked with a (new) realtor and put the house on the market for the third time.

All of these things, although tolerable on their own, are adding up to a perfect, chaotic storm in our house!

A storm that I am so ready to see blow over as soon as the weekend hits.

(And I hear the weather is supposed to be nice, too!)

I'm ready to take a break from my computer and pull myself away from its glowing screen ... To hang up the "working mom" hat for a little while and just relax with my kids (crabby or high-strung as they may be) and husband.

I'm ready to give my girl some good, long cuddles.

I'm ready to give my boy a chance to bounce balls off the wall in the basement (or maybe jump on the bed) to expend a bit of energy ...  And, of course, stick lots of stickers on his wall chart for all of his bathroom successes!

This weekend really can't come soon enough.

If only it would stay for more than two days ...

a little perspective

This week is a busy one ... 

It's OGT (Ohio Graduation Test) time!

To all of you non-educator types, this means that I am responsible for meeting with students at a physical testing location and administering the test to them (a different subject for each day of the week), during two separate sessions each day (as a virtual school, we have to be flexible to our students' needs and meet them when they are available).

So, not only does this make for a hectic day, it makes for a long day as well.

A day where I feel like I am always go-go-going ... 

Five days in a row.

Even though this full week of testing only happens twice a year (once in the fall, and once in the spring), it's weeks like these where I can I see just how lucky I am.

Where I am so thankful that I (usually) have the luxury of rolling out of bed, occupying my kids, and working from home. 

Sure, there are many days where I'm overwhelmed and wishing for a vacation (a teacher's job is never done, no matter where their classroom is!), but it is a lot less stressful when you don't have someplace to be ...  Or when you don't have other teachers and students waiting on you so that a test can begin!

I know I've said it before, but I don't know how "normal" working moms do it!

How they get themselves ready in the morning ...

How they get the kids dressed, fed, and ready to go, too ...

How they get the kids' stuff together ...  Food for the baby, changes of clothes, extra diapers ...

How they make it out the door without forgetting something ...  Food for the baby, changes of clothes, extra diapers ...

Mostly, how they get anywhere on time ...

(Please tell me your secret!)

I'm only one full day in and I'm already exhausted.

And, like I said, thankful.

So incredibly thankful that, most weeks, I don't have to worry about any of this ...

Sure, there are different deadlines and expectations there, too, but they can all be met from the comfort of my own home ... 

While I'm in my pajamas, and my kids are laughing in the next room.

It's hard to think of anything better than that ...

finding time

When I started this blog, I had a seven-month-old baby on my hands and was holding the "stay at home mom" gig full time.

Today, that seven-month-old baby is quickly approaching the three year mark, I'm working full time for a virtual school ... And there is a nearly six-month-old around to spice things up a bit more.

Yes, things have changed over here, and many days I sit staring at this blank page wondering what to write about and how long I will keep this up.

As I described in my very first post on this blog, I am not a stranger to blogging.

I am not a stranger to stopping blogging, either!

And, while Malcolm is currently saying a million funny things, and Pearl is hitting that age where she is such a fun baby, I find myself scrounging for worthwhile material and time ...

But mostly time.

Time is a hot commodity around these parts ...  Especially now that school is in session and my "stay at home momming" has morphed into "work at home momming."  Who knew that teaching 200 students across the state of Ohio (through the wonders of the internet) and keeping two kids happy and occupied at home would be as ridiculous as it is?

Certainly a bit more complicated than last year.

And a bit more demanding.

It is the perfect storm of a great, big time vacuum ...  Glance over at the clock, and, suddenly, an entire day has passed on by!

It's time for dinner, already?!

What am I even going to make for dinner?!

Then dinner leads into play time ... 

Followed by bath time, then bed time for the babies ... 

A little time for the husband and I to unwind ... 

Then (blissfully!!) bed time for me.

So, more often than not, this blog is neglected until the following morning when I may have a moment between Malcolm waking up and Pearl wanting to nurse ...

I guess this post is to say (or to convince myself?) that I still enjoy this space and the quiet moments I spend writing in it, mulling over my day, posting pictures and telling stories.  Although I'm gearing up (and getting busy!) with school again, I continue to find myself wanting to document my life ... To tell my story within the pages of this blog, so that, years from now (whether or not I'm still adding to it), I can come back to browse around and remember how things used to be.

Assuming that I'll have the free time to do it.

back in the saddle

As we steamroll through August, another year at the virtual school is upon me ...

It seems like just yesterday, I was dreaming of my maternity leave and the extended "vacation" I would receive before I was officially back to work ...  And, while I'm excited to get back into the swing of things and dive head first into high school biology, part of me is apprehensive as to how I'm going to find the "balance" I need to make everything (my teaching and "momming") work.

Thinking back, my first year at the virtual school began after Malcolm's first birthday, so I didn't have to worry about nursing, or baby food, or even moments of cuddling and rocking before nap time ...  Malcolm was already pretty independent:

I could put him in the high chair and he would eat by himself.

I could lay him in the crib and he would fall asleep.

Pearl, on the other hand, is only five months old, so she requires a lot more "hands on" attention.  While she isn't nursing all the time anymore (more like every 3-4 hours), eating still takes up a large part of her day.  And, while she can put herself to sleep, she is inconsistent (we don't have a schedule locked down like we did with Malcolm at this age) and often needs a little help from me.

It doesn't help that, in typical fashion (every school I've been at has been this way), the start-up of this school year is a bit of a scramble.

With less than one week to go, I'm still not certain what part of orientation I am responsible for and/or when I'll be holding my live class sessions.  Although I'm flexible and ready to just go with the flow, I still have to figure out how I'm going to occupy two children during those live moments online ... And how I'm going to focus and get work done when I (inevitably) have kids awake at different times throughout the day ...

Cue Elizabeth and her blog.

She has organized a "Teacher Link-up" with tips for teachers ...  And while many of the tips probably will not apply to me (since I'm not in a brick-and-mortar building and, thus, don't get to organize or decorate physical objects in my classroom), I'm hoping they will give me some inspiration as the new school year begins.  Maybe they will make me nostalgic for the times when I was teaching in a "real" classroom?

Who knows ...

What I do know, is that, while it will be challenging, I am going to make this year a successful one.

If I've learned anything as a teacher, it is that a positive attitude really does get you far.  From my (hellish) days as a student teacher, I somehow managed to muddle through with sheer willpower and determination ...  And (on most days) a smile on my face.  I remember hearing that "students shouldn't see you smile until after Christmas break," but I totally disagree.

It is the relationships that make teaching worthwhile ...  The chance to connect with students, and for them to see that you are a real person.  So, despite the chaos that is the start-up of another school year, I resolve to be as positive as possible.

And organized ...

And flexible ...

And ...

a different kind of break

As the New Year rolled in, my Christmas Break wound down.

I'd by lying if I said I was ready to go back to the daily grind ...

To answer emails.

To call students.

To grade labs, tests, and a multitude of other assignments.

To create "catch up" plans.

To motivate and encourage.

To prepare my classes for the coming semester.

To, ultimately, spend my day on the laptop (and not playing on the living room floor with Malcolm).

It is certainly going to be different ... A bit more career-driven and less carefree ... But it in no way will compare to the changes that are just around the corner.

I've realized that, next time I'll have a lengthy "break" from teaching, it won't really be a break at all ...

It will be maternity leave.

Time to adjust to being a mother of two.

Time to bond with my new baby and to continue loving on my old one.

While there won't be any classroom duties to speak of, this break will be anything but relaxing. It will test me in ways I haven't been tested before ... And push me to rise to the challenges of day-to-day life.

When I took my maternity leave after Malcolm's birth, I was fairly certain I wouldn't be returning to the classroom. My teacher's salary just wasn't enough to justify sending him off to daycare ... Staying home made more financial (and emotional!) sense to me and my husband, so the decision was an easy one.

This time, however, since I am already working from home (no daycare required!), the questions seem to loom a bit larger ...

How will I juggle all of my teaching duties and two children?

How will I get everything done?

Can this "working and mothering from home" thing still work for me and my family?

I know that things will be a bit trickier (and naps will be even more important to my sanity and productivity), but I think it can work. Once I'm back on the regular payroll at the end of June things will be winding down with the 2011-2012 school year ... There will be no students (and therefore no emails, or calls, or grading), just a handful of administrative tasks to contend with. Then, by the time I'm back in full swing in the fall, the baby will be about five months old ...

Talk about time flying!

On paper (and on this blog as I type it), it all sounds and looks feasible ... But we shall see when that day comes.

That will be the true test.

So, for now, I'm still mourning the end of my Christmas Break and looking forward to my next big "break" that begins in March ...

At the very least, it will seem nice to be dealing with only two children instead of two hundred (students)!

food fight

As my last days of work before Christmas Break wound down this week, I was able to spend a little more time than usual playing (throwing plastic food down the stairs, what could possibly be better?!) with my boy.


He is such a little person now it is scary.

Personality galore!

(As you can see from the following photo.)

Hooded sweatshirt: Carter's (thrifted for $0.50)
Long-sleeved tee-shirt: Old Navy (hand-me-down)
Sweat pants: Garanimals (gift)
Socks: Circo ($1.00)

I'm sure we'll have many more fun times (complete with plastic food throwing) as Christmas Break really gets going!

Bring it on, Malcolm!

Bring it on!

when i grow up

I'm not sure why it's been on my mind lately, but I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life job-wise ...

What I want to be when I grow up.

I've been teaching in some capacity (whether it be in a physical classroom, at a for-profit tutoring company, or for the virtual school) for coming on five years ... And while I've had many positive moments and the jobs have been good for me in many ways, I just didn't find myself passionate about any of them (current situation included).

I've always said that I identify with being a "scientist" first and a "teacher" second, so maybe therein lies the problem ... As convenient and family-friendly as teaching may be for a young mother with her second child on the way, I don't think my heart is truly in the teaching profession (or has it ever been there).

I don't feel a "calling" like many teachers do.

I don't think that I love it.

So when my mind wanders to life after child-rearing (when my kids are in school themselves and I can "get back to work" for real), I just don't know if I want to spend the rest of my working years and all the way up to retirement in the classroom.

I don't know if I want to be "a teacher" forever.

I mean, if teaching were all about the content (science in my case) and how to effectively present it to students, I think I could very well manage ... But that's not what teaching is in most cases. Too much, I find it's all about the politics, or the administrative duties, or all the "extras" that a teacher must do every day. Or that it's about appeasing picky parents or taking the blame when a student fails.

I've grown up hearing that teaching is a "thankless job" (my uncle was a teacher), but now that I'm living it, and closing in on five years of being an educator, I'm really beginning to understand and I don't like it.

I don't like feeling like I should second-guess myself and/or my abilities. I don't like being told that I need to do more when I'm already giving so much of myself and my talents and my time. It's just not worth it to me. Maybe temporarily, while my children grow, but not forever.

Not as a life-long career.

But science.

Lovely, wonderful, rational science.

I could walk into a lab any day of the week and immediately feel at home ... Immediately feel like I belong, like I have all the answers and I don't have to wonder or second-guess. The more I stop and really think about it, the more I realize that science is truly is my thing. From the day I filled out my college application and indicated "Biology" as my major ... I guess it always has been.

But science doesn't lend itself to motherhood like teaching does ... And certainly not like my current virtual position, where I can stay at home with my children and work at the very same time.

With science comes childcare and guilt that I'm not home.

With science comes the sense that my kids are growing up and I'm not there to witness it.

With science there are fewer days off and less time to spend on vacation.

No, science isn't all flowers and rainbows either.

That's why it's so difficult for me to decide what I really (truly!) want to be when I grow up ...

Especially since I thought I was already there.

happy birthday to me

There's nothing quite like waking up on your birthday to a toddler (and his crib) covered in bright pink, watermelon-infused vomit.

Definitely unexpected.

Disgusting.

A bit of a hassle.

But it could have been worse.

In my case, Malcolm was his usual self, happy and ready-to-go as always. He didn't seem to notice the patches of chunky nastiness everywhere ... Or the interesting "slicked back" hair 'do he was sporting from a night spent sleeping in it.

He just wanted to start his day and get on with the routine ... Vomit notwithstanding.

So, wrapped up in the disbelief that "this is really my life" (Who honestly expects to be cleaning up vomit first thing on their birthday?), was a huge amount of gratitude that "yes, this is really my life!"

I am so incredibly lucky to have my vomiting toddler.

So incredibly lucky to have the ability to wake up to his little voice on the baby monitor every morning, to get him ready for the day, and to stay home with him while I work for the virtual school at the same time.

While this combination isn't always easy (and the husband has heard his fair share of complaining), I am still thankful that I am able to juggle it all.

That I'm even getting the opportunity.

So, while my birthday didn't start out the way I would have chosen (No vomit next year, please!), it turned out to be wonderful just the same.

This really is my life ... And that's the greatest present of all!

the start of another school year

I'd usually have a post up by now (I've been keeping my at least "three per week" routine since the beginning of this blog), but things have been gearing up for the school year, stretching my time a bit thinner than usual.

As much as I love and appreciate the opportunity to work from home and raise my son at the very same time, it's not without its difficulties. For example, yesterday I had a full-day meeting to attend (in Columbus), which meant finding childcare, for the day, for Malcolm. I'm extremely lucky to have family nearby and I know working parents do this all the time (and it is nothing new or noteworthy), but I marvel at the fact that children can be successfully shuffled off to daycare at all. Waking a kid up before they do so naturally, having all their stuff packed and ready to go, making sure that you, the parent, make the drop-off and arrive at work on time, too ... It's all enough to make your head spin!

And I only have to get one child out the door!

I can't imagine dealing with more than one ...

Or going through this routine every day ...

It's easy to see that I am most definitely spoiled with my work situation.

Even so, I'm pretty sure that, at some point, I will need more quiet time during my day to get all of my work obligations done ... Which will mean part time daycare (or preschool?!) for my boy. It's crazy to think that, when this job began almost a year ago, I still had two daytime naps to work with and a sister home from college, but not yet working a "real job," to jump in at a moments' notice ...

And back then I couldn't believe how busy things were!

It's funny how perceptions of "what's busy" change over time ... I guess, as I've commented before, life has a way of picking up the pace as soon as you feel like you've established a comfortable routine. It definitely keeps you on your toes (and keeps things interesting to boot) ... But it humbles you at the same time.

As much as I like to think I'm "Superwoman" (and as much as I like others to think the same thing!), I know that am not.

And (as I keep having to remind myself) that's okay ... It comes with the territory of being a work-from-home mom!

Experience shows me that I can only continue to push through, taking my two full-time jobs (of teacher and mother) seriously and doing my best at both.

Here's to hoping this school year will be just as productive as the last!

(And that we all make it through in one piece!)

a walk in the park

With my school year just about over (I'm required to be "available" in my home office through the end of the month), Malcolm and I have had more time to get out of the house and explore some of the parks in our neighborhood.

Living in Cleveland, we are lucky to have multiple entrances to the Cleveland Metroparks within ten minutes of our house ...

And with summer stretched out before us, we will certainly take advantage of them!

Sesame Street tee shirt: Old Navy ($7.50)
Sweat pants: Old Navy (thrifted for $1.00)
Socks: Circo ($1.00)
Shoes: Wonderkids (thrifted for $2.00)

afternoon snack attack

Now that Malcolm has discovered the art of climbing on to the furniture, he spends a lot of time honing his skills during the day ...

About 80% of the time, he does so in a calm and controlled manner. The other 20% is a little more stress inducing (for me, of course) ... But he thinks it's hilarious.

Coincidentally, it brings new meaning to the tagline on his tee-shirt ...

(Yeti or not, here I come!)

Just recently, though, he has realized how comfortable and relaxing the couch can be ... As evidenced by the following photos:

Layered shirt: Circo ($1.50 on sale at Target)

Jeans: The Children's Place (thrifted for $2.00)

It's nice to have him slow down for just a little bit ... Even if it does involve spilled cereal and crumbs in the couch cushions!

off the clock

I stumbled across this quote the other day and thought it was funny (and all too true):

"You can't see Canada across lake Erie, but you know it's there. It's the same with spring. You have to have faith, especially in Cleveland." ~Paul Fleischman

I'm currently enjoying a week of freedom during my Spring Break from the virtual school.

While the weather hasn't exactly been as "springy" as I would like, the "break" part of the equation is in full effect!

It's absolutely wonderful to just take things easy. To wake up when Malcolm does and to just spend the entire day doting on him ...

So often during a work week, I feel like I have to push him aside to get things done. I have to use means other than myself to occupy him ... Such as popping in his new favorite DVD ("Bert and Ernie's Great Adventures") and merely glancing his way as he bops along to the opening music.

Sure, he is no worse for wear. He's a happy kid. His needs are met. His diapers are changed. He's fed when he's hungry and read to when he wants to hear a story.

But, there's always that nagging feeling that I should be doing more for him. That he should be getting my undivided attention. I know that as time rolls by, and more children are added to the mix of things, my attention will always be divided to some extent ... So maybe this "lack of spoiling" my firstborn is currently receiving is a good thing.

Even so, it is nice to have those moments where I don't have to second guess and put one of my "jobs" in the backseat. For one, blissful week, it's just me and Malcolm doing whatever we want to do. Sure, there are various appointments in there too (for his eighteen month well-check and eighteen month portraits) ... But, for the rest of the day, it's all about him.

At least until he naps.

Then it's all about me!

Finally!

virtual insanity

I signed up to take two e-learning classes this summer in order to finish up my master's degree (in Education) once and for all.

Although I am excited to throw myself into school again (as the student), I don't fully know what I was thinking.

I guess, last time when I took only one class, I was able to juggle it, a newly-walking one-year-old, a full-time teaching job, and a part-time tutoring position ...

Things are a little different now. I've gotten into a routine with the full-time job and given up the part-time one ... So, what's another class added to the mix?!

It doesn't hurt that work with my own virtual school will be over for the summer (yet I will still be required to be "in my office") as my e-learning classes really pick up, so I'll be looking for something to occupy my brain as I sit around the house in a state of suspended animation.

All logical reasoning aside, as much as I say I like to relax and just be, I also like to feel like I'm accomplishing something ... And what's better at making a person feel accomplished, than completing a master's degree?

It will be nice to finally end the process (about five years in the making) and have everything in place for when I need to renew my license in a few years.

I also figure that, on the family front, things will only get crazier from here on out ...

Malcolm is only going to become more mobile, and vocal, and independent ... He's not always going to be happy with reading the same books, or playing with the same toys, day in and day out.

He'll need more from me.

He'll need to be entertained and challenged and intellectually stimulated.

Our family (God willing) is only going to get bigger and more chaotic ... The number of "projects" that I can handle with one child demanding my attention will probably decrease once a second (or more?) is thrown into the mix. So I might as well achieve my current academic goals before something has got to give ...

Yes, now is the time to just go for it!

To take the leap and sink or swim ...

And, as I've said many, many times before, I don't do things "half way."

I'm a classic overachiever.

I'll take those two classes (hopefully earning a pair of "A's" to join all the others), complete my Graduate Comprehensive Exam, and never look back.

Then I'll get antsy and begin planning for my next advanced degree ...

Maybe Biology this time?

sick day musings

My husband wasn't feeling well on Saturday.

By Sunday he was getting worse.

On Monday, he called in sick from work.

It was at that very moment I realized, with great sadness, that I will never get a "real" sick day ever again ...

While my husband slept away most of Monday, I busily held class from my laptop and later (he had spent the night at with his grandparents) wrangled Malcolm as I tried to get lab reports graded.

It stands to say that no matter how gross or achy or fatigued I may end up feeling, one of my "jobs" is always going to need tending to ... While I can always call off at the virtual school and be relieved of those duties, I will always have be "on" for my Little Guy.

I can't as easily "call off" when he is concerned.

That's not to say I'm disappointed that that is the case ... I obviously want nothing more than to make sure my son is well cared for ... It is just something that still requires some getting used to.

It's hard to explain it, but some mornings I wake up and have trouble believing that this is really my life.

Is it really 2011 already?

Am I really 28 years old?

When did my squishy squirmy infant son turn into a tornado of a toddler?

Where has the time gone?

The fact that I will never enjoy the full benefits of a sick day has just made this (new) reality all the more real. It screams: "You are someone's mother! Your life will never be the same!"

Even so, I wouldn't trade my little boy for all the sick days in the world ... I'll resign to be just a tiny bit jealous of his father, instead!

cuddle bug for an afternoon

Although a balance is hard to strike, working at home has its benefits.

Last week, Malcolm had one particularly rough afternoon where his teeth were actually bothering him. He was tearful and crabby, and nothing was making him happy ... The old standbys were of no use. When I went to change his diaper, and just laying on the changing table had him fitfully sobbing, I knew that work needed to take a back seat for a little while.

Grabbing "Spot" (his blanket, which has become his comfort object of choice), we headed downstairs and sat together on the rocker recliner. I cradled him in my arms like I used to do when he was just a little guy ... And, for once (in a great, great while), he stayed put!

We rocked and just looked at each other.

I stroked his cheek.

He pointed at my nose and grabbed my glasses.

It was the perfect way to spend half an hour.

Something I certainly wouldn't have been able to do had I been teaching from a "regular" classroom that day.

Like I said, working at home has its benefits ... Just being with my son is the best one of all.

a new year's resolution (i think) i can keep

I've never been one to make "New Year's Resolutions."

It just always seemed silly to me to take the time to make a list of wants, desires, goals etc. for the new year ... I mean, if it has to be written down, is it really that important?! And why can't a person resolve to be better at any point during the year? Just because you don't start something at the beginning, doesn't mean you can't make changes in your life later on down the line ... It shouldn't be all or nothing!

But anyway, this year, I'm hopping on that New Year's bandwagon and starting 2011 with a major goal in mind.

Life has been so busy these past couple of months, and not just because of the holidays and their approach. My transition from stay-at-home mom to working mom has really been a challenge for me ... One that I hadn't really expected.

Maybe I was being naive and/or too optimistic in thinking that I could handle both roles with little interruption or effect on my mental state ... Whatever the case, I have found that each day that passes is dominated by one or both of my two jobs ... Sometimes in equal parts, sometimes not.

During the day, I find myself struggling to keep a child happy while fulfilling my many teacher's obligations. When Malcolm is occupied, even if it is only in small bursts, I answer emails, create "catch up" plans for failing students, grade papers, and even correspond via instant messages. During his naps (when all is blissfully quiet) I call students by phone, hold my "office hours" where students can be guaranteed to reach me, and run virtual classroom sessions ...

At night, once school is over and my husband is home, I am still "on the job," although my son (and not my students) becomes my central focus.

There is hardly a moment when I feel like I am not working at something.

There is hardly a moment for me to just breathe and do nothing.

So, one night over my Christmas Break (which also happened to be a "vacation" week for my husband), I finally put all of my thoughts and feelings about this dual existence into words. As much as he probably didn't want to deal with me and my weepy ramblings, I finally expressed to him that I'm feeling overwhelmed. That, although I love being a mother to our son, I find myself wishing for simpler times and struggle through the days to make everything work. That I need more help. That I need some time that is mine. Just for me.

This is not to say that my husband is a lump! In fact, I'm pretty sure he does more than an average husband (but correct me if I'm wrong) ... In addition to the more "manly" duties of taking out the garbage and keeping the yard presentable during all seasons of the year, he also hand washes all of our dishes (we, very unfortunately, do not own a dishwasher), does all of the grocery shopping, cooks delicious meals with the groceries he buys, takes care of our cats' litter boxes, and often keeps our floors clean by sweeping or vacuuming ... Not to mention all the time he spends entertaining Malcolm every night.

I know that I am very lucky, and that he also deserves his down time, but, even so I still yearn for mine. In only three months, my two jobs have really taken a lot out of me! But I take full responsibility ... I'm a perfectionist by nature, so I can't only go "half way." Everything has to be done impeccably, even to my detriment.

That is why, this New Year, I'm finally making a resolution:

I'm going to allow myself to be fully honest and ask for help when I need it.

No longer will I silently suffer and wait on others to reach out to me ... My family and friends aren't mind readers!

No longer will I feel guilty if dinner isn't ready (or even started!) when my husband comes home from work.

No longer will "not doing it myself" be considered a weakness.

If those closest to me catch on to the fact that I'm not Superwoman, that I can't do it alone (nor do I want to), then that is okay.

I can live with that.

And hopefully my husband can, too!

validation

To quickly set up this post, I need to first explain the levels of organization at my virtual school ... At least as I have come to understand them.

Each student that enrolls in the high school is set up with their classroom teachers, a guidance counselor, and an adviser ...

Classroom teachers (like me) are the people that are responsible for running the courses, teaching the lessons in an online format once a week, grading assignments, and basically communicating with students and their families as often as possible.

Guidance counselors, much like those at traditional schools, help the students with their course schedules and force them to look beyond high school at the bigger picture ... Will they attend college? If so, which one? What graduation tests are required for admittance?

Advisers, although they also work with students, focus more on the parent end and keep track of a student's attendance and overall performance in the virtual school ...

So, all of that to say ... As my work day wrapped up on Friday, I received an email in my work inbox from an adviser that is assigned to one of my students. The email itself was super short.

Merely three sentences long ...

But the message inside was so, so much bigger:

Hi Emily. I spoke with student's mom today and she gave you a big compliment. You are the best teacher student has ever had.

That was it.

Short and syrupy sweet.

It's hard to explain the feeling that swept over me.

While I was (and still am) extremely humbled, I couldn't help but feel sort of undeserving at the same time.

I've only been "teaching" at this school for a little over two months.

I don't ever see these students face to face ... I am lucky if I get to work with them during a live, online classroom session or if I get to speak to them by telephone once or twice a month.

I can't say that I've ever seen this student at any of those online sessions.

I've never spoken to this student on the phone (although I talked with the student's mother at length before our Thanksgiving Break).

All I have done is answer a couple of questions through the school's email system. I have extended deadlines and offered alternate assignments to bring up grades.

I have done nothing that I would consider remotely above or beyond ...

To top it off ... THIS STUDENT ISN'T EVEN PASSING MY CLASS!

And yet, to this mother, I am the best teacher her child has ever had.

It's honestly small moments like these that pull a teacher through tthe doldrums that often encompass the educational system. It's moments like these that validate all the hard (and often unforgiving) work.

It's moments like these that tell me I've truly chosen the right career.

Maybe I'm doing an okay job, after all.

behind the mask

I just want to spend a week like I used to ...

I want to lay on the floor and play with blocks.

To chase the boy around the dining room table.

To sit on the front porch when the sun is out and swing together on the porch swing.

I want to take a walk around the block (on the warm days).

To eat lunch together, taking as much time as we want.

To run out for a brief trip to Target or some other favorite shopping destination.

I want to have a moment to actually sit back and relax when the little guy goes down for his nap.

To catch up on old episodes of Bones.

To arrange a play date!

Sometimes I really want things to go back to the way they used to be ... When my biggest concern was what to start for dinner at 4:15.

I wish that things were that simple again.

Finding the time to be a mom and work from home simultaneously is really starting to catch up with me.

I'm starting to wear thin and I don't want to be a disappointment on either end.

I just want to spend a week like I used to ...