May 6, 2010

the little guy

Meet Malcolm, the inspiration behind this blog.

He's the inspiration behind everything I do, really.

But, after gazing at that sweet, little face, can you blame me?

Up until this stage in my life, I never really thought of myself as being very maternal. When my husband's cousin and sister had babies, I didn't feel the need to swarm and cuddle them like most of the other females in the family. I didn't feel any sort of "pull" toward them. In fact, when we went to visit our new niece in the hospital, I nearly refused to hold her. She was too small, too fragile ... I just didn't feel comfortable. Babies weren't my thing, and besides, she wasn't mine.

When I found out that I was pregnant (only a couple of months after our niece arrived), I was amazed at how that new reality occupied most of my thinking. I ended up on pregnancy websites for most of the day, reading up on what my growing fetus was doing at any given stage of its development. Was it as big as a blueberry? A grape? An orange? Could it see? Taste? Touch? My days were dominated by thoughts of this baby. It was hard to go to work and focus. It was hard to come home and act like it was "business as usual." The mundane aspects of my day didn't feel so normal anymore.

I found it really thought-provoking that I was so consumed by my pregnancy, yet those closest to me (besides my husband, of course) didn't even know that anything was different. I was already becoming a mother, even though I hadn't really done anything.

Fast forward to today.

While I still wouldn't say I'm necessarily very maternal, I am everything you'd expect from a first time mother ... I fill in every little detail about his life in his baby book. I find myself just staring at him (whether he is playing on the floor or napping in his crib) and being perfectly content. My heart soars when I hear him "singing" in the backseat as we drive in the car with the radio turned up. I carry a "brag book" around with me if I know I'll be meeting new people. I take far too many photos and post most of them on facebook. I am so unbelievably in love with this child that I don't know how I even existed without him.

What was life like before he arrived?

I don't even remember.

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